Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Bert and Stacey's Phone
I always thought I was pretty secure in my marriage. My wife has never given me any reason to think she is even capable of an affair. But from time to time I find myself picking up her cell and checking the sent and received texts. I'm embarrassed about it. In fact, if the roles were reversed I'd be really upset. I have ZERO reason to distrust my wife. I'm pretty surprised and confused by my insecurity.
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13 comments:
I do the same thing to my hubby from time to time, he just knows about it. I think you'd be surprised how many married people actually do it.
I totally do that with my husband's blackberry on occasion. I have no reason not to trust him, but for whatever reason, I'm just compelled to take a quick peek............
I do the same thing to my boyfriend. I know its not the same thing as being married but we have been together for 8 years. It always bothered me that he would always erase texts immediately after getting them. The one time he forgot to delete a text it was to his ex girlfriend saying "I love you". It was the most gut wrenching feeling I have ever had. I have serous trust issues and I have decided to never get married because of it. I think EVERYONE has feelings of insecurity and there is not a person alive who would deny that they too have those same "what if's" in there head. I do not think that you checking the calls and messages are wrong.
I know what this feels like. My husband and I are about the same way. I love him to death and he is really dedicated to me, but I find myself doing the same thing. It sucks that we feel like this, and really it is our issue not theirs. I do blame my father who has a whole other family. We are 4 biological children and 2 half siblings. There order are my older sister Adriana, my older sister Maria, my half sister Carolina, me, my half sister Gaby, and then my Brother Carlos. So he makes me question guys a little bit, but I know girls could too. It really sucks.
I know how you feel. I do the same thing even though my husband is very dedicated to me and in my heart I believe he would never something like this to me. I love him with all my heart. I blame my dad who had a whole other life. We are 4 biological children and 2 half siblings, at least that have been claimed to carry his name. Our order is: my older sister Adriana (who have been 39 years old), my older sister Maria (34 years old), my half sister Carolina (27 years old), me (26 years old), my half sister Gaby (23 years old), and my brother Carlos (22 years old). He makes me question men, even though I know that women are just as bad. I am just so scared and really this is our issue not theirs.
Hmmm?? You say you trust your wife but yet you check her phone? And you'd be mad at her if she snooped in yours. . .what are you hiding?
I trust my boyfriend and I do the same-- I'm not sure why.
I understand though.
I find myself doing the same thing and i dont hide it. Although heart to heart i know he would never do such a thing im still tempted to look. I think it may have something to do with self confidence
You say you 'find yourself' checking the cell which tells me that there is some reason why you do distrust your wife. Whether that reason is rooted in your own feelings of inadequecy and fear that she will somehow wake up and do better than you, or whether the reason has more to do with how the relationship is between the two of you--you should not just blow off your own feelings. You don't mention who your wife does hang out with or who she is texting/ receiving texts from. The thing is that anyone can be tempted to cheat; the only way to truly guarantee that you or your wife won't cheat is if the 2 of you are Constantly avoiding situations where that could ever be a possibility. Is she spending time having conversations with members of the opposite sex, thereby, placing herself in a potentially tempting situation? Are you? Are you two avoiding spending too much time or contact with members of the opposite sex--including at work--are the 2 of you avoiding having personal conversations with members of the opposite sex? As you know, when people feel comfortable with each other--which definitely happens when they are having personal conversations with each other--they are creating opportunities that can easily turn sexual in nature. If your wife is communicating with so called 'male friends' then you have every reason to be nervous, and you need to discuss this openly saying that you do not think it is a good idea for either one of you to create opportunities where temptation can creep in. (By the way, Don't listen to anyone when they say 'that would never happen to me' because given the right circumstances ANYONE is suseptible to cheating!) Incidentally, if you are doing this with other females, then you also need to be willing to stop this behavior as well. If she is not hanging out with any guys, and vice-versa, then the insecurities that you have are clearly your own personal issues and you need to do whatever it takes to make yourself feel more confident and secure in who you are. Do what you can to make yourself feel that you are worthy of your wife and do what you can to continually improve the relationship you have with her. Take the time to do those little things Every day--nice notes, occasional flowers, nice dinners/movie nights--pay sweet attention to her so that you are keeping your own relationship in a good place. [Make sure you don't go overboard and call her constantly throughout the day making her feel that you are just calling to 'check up on her', and don't get obsessed with checking her phones or emails--because remember at the end of the day, if she wants to cheat on you, you won't be able to stop her! So don't give her a reason to want to!! It is not worth your effort or your negative attention of constantly checking up on her--NOTHING good is going to come of it!] If you continue to be mistrustful for no apparent reason, know that eventually you will create that which you fear and drive her away from you. Being truly happy and satisfied in yourself and in your own relationship is the best guarantee that your wife won't want to leave you...So keep your own actions in check, and be a person that you yourself would want to date or be with!! Best of luck!
If my phone rings my wife will pick it up and see who it is and then hand it to me. If it beeps, telling me there is text message, she will ask "who is that?" It's annoying because I don't do this to her. I've never given her a reason to not trust me. I wouldn't really dwell on it too much. You might trust her completely, you might just be nosey as hell!!! However, are you checking her phone because you are nosey or are you paranoid that she may be doing something behind your back. What i'm asking is; do you check her phone expecting to find something? Do you check it to make yourself feel better and to help convince yourself that nothing is going on? Or are you just nosey?
Is it possible this is because of the insecurity in the marriage during the past year that you have spoken about on the radio?
Bert,
I did the exact same thing 6 years ago and it changed my life dramatically and I often wonder had I not, would things be different now?
I had been married six weeks to someone I had been together with for four years. We had a child together and he had taken on my daughter from a previous marriage.
One night I checked his texts while he was sleeping and saw a message from a girl saying "i love and miss you. wish i could get out of the situation i am in right now"
To cut a long and painful story short, I pursued that text, confronted him about it and eventually divorced him.
I often wonder if I had not seen it would my life be different now?
I am a single mom raising two children by myself and working full time. It is a hard path. Really hard. I am not able to trust anyone and have not dated in six years.
So, I don't know if it was a blessing or a curse the day I peaked. Maybe the affair would have blown over and I would have known no different and still have my family together. Or something else would have come up and we would have broken up anyway. Thing is I will never know.
I thought he was my soul mate, the love of my life.......you know...all the things you want in someone.
So be careful with what you do. Just looking at her texts shows insecurity on your part. Maybe because your father was a cheater you are still scarred by that? Who knows. But if you put something in your mind or project we usually become what we think.
Anyway thanks for letting me share.
Sharon
I guess I'm a bit different because I have never checked my husband's phone. I trust him. I hope that I married a man smart enough to know not to give his cell number to 'another woman' especially if he is stupid enough to have one. Any man (or woman) who does is simply begging to be caught.
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