Melissa Has Fun With JibJab

I was introduced to JibJab on Christmas Day, and immediately had to try my hand at it.  Click HERE to see my first creation using members of the Bert Show.  But be warned, you'll spend a lot of time doing your own movies.....be sure you have nothing else important to do!

Hayden Gets Christmas Pass

I'm giving my 5-year-old a pass this year.  He's so excited about Christmas and he always should be.  But last week when I asked him what the meaning of Christmas was he told me that it was the day he got all the presents.  He understands it's the day that Jesus was born but the whole present thing is lost on him right now.  But he's only five.  Next year will be the lesson of "it's way better to give than receive." I think we've also sent him a few too many messages about the holiday.  I can remember last year him referring to Christmas as the day that Jesus came down the Chimney.

Eric's Caliente TEASE

(This is an advanced version of Bert's Caliente Kiss from Bert Show listener Eric.)

The “Caliente Tease”

If you really want to take the Caliente Kiss to the next step then follow these instructions. This will drive anyone wild and is sure to get you what you want in the bedroom!

1. Set the Mood:
Start off by setting the mood as you always should.
2. The Usual:
a. Let things go as they usually do between you both. (Kissing, massaging, petting, etc.) DO NOT give them any idea that you are trying something new (this differs from the Caliente Kiss).
b. Get things going for 5 to 10 minutes and make sure you have been kissing for a few minutes. It is normally a good idea to have some articles of clothing removed at this point before you begin the Tease.
3. The Tease:
a. Lay them on their back making sure you are over them. You have to make sure YOU are in control and they have to get that feeling also.
b. At this point you can do one of two things. Hold their head with your hands or gently pin back their arms back by their head.
c. Next is the Stare. Gaze into their eyes, passionately (not creepily), for 10-15 seconds making sure your faces are close to each other but not touching.
4. The Lips, The Hips, & Everything in Between:
a. Making sure your lips DO NOT touch their skin, lean in very close to their lips like you are going to kiss. Everything should feel in slow motion with no fast or sudden movements. Using heavy breathing move around the lips even pretending like you are actually making out with them. Tease the Lips.
b. Now begin to move to one side of the neck gradually breathing down their cheek, ears, and neck. At this point you can give a few small kisses in the neck area but not long or you will ruin what you set up.
c. Move back up to the lips. Now slowly move down the underside of the chin and neck and down the chest and stomach. Slight kisses here and there on the skin, remembering to use the breathing techniques. The heat from your breath is KEY in driving their sensory nerves into overload.
d. Spend a little time in areas on the body and then make your way back up. Once back up to the lips you have a couple choices to make. If they can’t wait any longer and are ready for the kiss, then proceed. If they are calm and are still ok, move down the other side of the neck and back up.
5. The Kiss:
a. Now you are ready to give in and you know you are doing well if they are struggling to kiss you back or try to break loose to get to your lips to kiss you.
b. Give them one last Stare and GO FOR IT! At this point they should be so turned on and ready to kiss.

Millie Pete's Frozen Grandbabies

This is actually a continuation of my previous blog To Be A Mom, Or Not To Be A Mom.

Maybe this new blog should actually be titled A Needle, A Probe, A Fibroid, Oh My...but I'm jumping ahead.

The next step in the egg-freezing process took place a few weeks ago. I had been instructed to call the doctor's office when my cycle started, so that I could come in for testing.

First, I was taken to a small room so they could draw a vile of blood. There is a hormone in every woman that, at elevated levels, could be an indication something is wrong with the eggs. They wanted to test that hormone during my cycle to see how it was responding to my vulnerable egg. The results would return the next day or so.

Apparently at the time of your period, and your body's work in releasing an egg, they can also get a better look at the ducts of your ovaries to see if everything is working properly. This is done with an internal ultrasound, during which they also analyze the condition of your uterine wall. I'm, of course, simplifying something that is very scientific, but that's the gist of the appointment. So, I had to wear the paper skirt as they performed the ultrasound, grateful that any mention of my very-public job wasn't made until after my jeans were back on.

Read more HERE...

JEFF'S STUFF

I updated JeffDauler.com.

Knock yourself out.

Guest Blogger - Melissa's Girlfriend, Katie Jo

Since it was Spring-like weather over the weekend, my girlfriend, Katie Jo, and I hung out on a deck for hours. Hearing then some of her recent observations lead me to asking her to be my guest blogger. Here are her thoughts:

The biggest lie promulgated by those who fear lesbians is that they hate men.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

What lesbians can't stand are cheesy men with bad taste.

Read the rest HERE...

Bert's Kissing Technique

Caliente Kiss

This kissing technique was told to me by a friend. He said it will totally spice up your love life for at least 24 hours! I was skeptical but gave it a try anyway. I can give you a 100% endorsement that the "final results" will be spectacular.

Here is the technique:

First of all, you have to tell your kissing partner what you're doing or it'll never work. The mere fact that you're actually taking complete control of the next few minutes makes this technique instantly hot.

Gently but firmly hold their head or face in your hands. Don't be overpowering but be in control. With both your mouths slightly open and lips parted get VERY, VERY close to each other's mouths without really touching. Get so close that you can actually feel each other's breath. Occasionally lightly brush lips. Just hold this position with your eyes closed. But DO NOT KISS!

Now, this is where it might bet a little awkward but it's key. Hold this position but don't sit still! Feel free to move your heads around a little just like you would if you were really kissing. In other words gentle guide her/his face back and forth as though you WERE kissing. But DON'T kiss. Enjoy the incredible intimacy of being so close and almost kissing but not quite.

And here's the important part: Hold this for a few minutes! Not 30 seconds. But continue the technique for like 3 or 4 minutes. Breathe softly on each other. Brush lips. Occasionally lick their lip lightly. If you're advanced a quick nibble/tug on the lower lip might work. But again, DO NOT KISS!

Then finally, after you can't stand it anymore move in for the most amazing kiss ever!

Always remember through this kiss that real art is in the tease of it all. For guys, when you think you've gone three minutes you probably should go one more minute. You'll know if it's working because you'll be able to feel her/his breathe getting deeper and deeper. Feel her/his cues. At that point, still DON'T kiss. Go a little longer. THE ART OF THIS IS IN THE TEASE. Trust me.

Now GET'ER DONE!

From Jenn: I'm A Product Ho

How did this happen? I am a total product ho! Somehow through my friends' finds, free samples and endless magazine ads, it happened. Now I have embraced it... I love beauty products! Not just any random ones, but ones I MUST have. It has to be buried in my female psyche, interpreting the same message delivered to us in a gagillion forms, a gagillion times a day: "You are defined by your looks." As a women's studies minor in college and susbsequently, a self-professed new generation feminist, I should reject ALL OF THEM. I should say that it doesn't matter to me what my skin looks like, which way my hair flips, what is the perfect length of a dress on my legs... or what anyone out there thinks about them! But I do. I do care very much. While I know that it matters most what I say (especially in radio) and what I think (especially in life), it still matters to me that I present myself in a certain way. I wince to think my professors of feminist thought could ever be reading this, but here it is: The way I look matters to me. And I think most women who are being honest with themselves would agree with me. Even though it wastes too much time in preparation, too much money being a product ho and too much brain space thinking about what we are going to wear to the next event, it gives us that extra boost of confidence (contrived or real) to accomplish our goals. Now the theory that I don't subscribe to is everyone looking THE SAME. Blah. Maybe I will blog about that another day. Now I have to go deep condition. :)

FROM JEFF

I update JeffDauler.com and forget to tell you about it here. So, whenever you get a chance ...

www.JeffDauler.com

Have a great day!

Observations from Behind Purple and Gold

Don't fret, Orange Nation. My blood still runs orange, but my face this week is Purple and Gold. That's the result of a great bet gone wrong - since Tennessee's offense decided not to capitalize on the opportunities the defense provided. Not that I'm bitter. But, because LSU won the SEC Championship, I have to wear LSU colors purple and gold on my face ALL WEEK!

Read the rest HERE....