As the parent of a child I just watched one of the disturbing videos I have ever seen. It's five or six high school girls beating another girl unconscious. The details are in the story. I want you to be warned that the images are really, really disturbing. I found myself getting enraged as I watched it. I kept thinking what I would do if this was my son in the video. If you can stomach it here is the story and the video:
http://www.tampabays10.com/news/local/article.aspx?storyid=77707
My wife and I have had this debate. She wants to teach our 5 ½ year old that there is never a time when things should resort to a physical fight.
In all honesty, I don't agree. I can tell you that as a guy that grew up under sized you get picked on a lot when new kids don't know you. If you don't know how to handle yourself verbally and physically you can get swallowed up, abused or ostracized.
So I want to teach him that, as a last resort, you have to be ready to physically stick up for yourself. My kid is as sensitive as I've ever seen a child. There are already times when he's getting bullied out of playing with a toy. And I rarely see him stick up for himself. He knows how to share. But there are times when some kids will take things from him without his permission. And he doesn't stand up for himself. I get worried about this. I get worried that my kid can end up like the victim in this video. She never even tried to fight back. Even though it would have been useless 'cause this was truly a pack mentality. So as a parent, how are you handling this with your kids?
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11 comments:
Bert - My wife and I have the same conversation all the time. She wants to teach my sons and daughter to resolve problems without fighting, which sounds great right! But as a father we have to teach our kids to stand up for themselves. I tell my sons to try and work things out, but if someone is bullying you or hits you, not only do you hit them back, you hit them harder. One does of their own medicine will usually end it. Man, I sound like my father. What the hell?
WOW! That is not so unbelievable for me. Maybe I've been around kids too long. I drive a school bus. My own son, last week, was suspended for defending himself to this bully at his school. My husband and I were not only proud of him, because this had gone on for weeks(being picked on), but also a little worried about when he goes back to school. I mean, these days kids bring guns and weapons to school. Should we worry about retalitation to a fistfight? I mean I'm glad he defended himself finally, but at what cost? What are we teaching him? Unfortunately for me, I didnt get that "parenting for dummies" handbook, they surely must have given out at the hospital. As for the video, I hope those kids get the max and an example is set, because until that statement is made, it will continue.
I think, as parents, my husband and I will always debate this because as situations arise, our feelings might change given the current circumstances. That being said, our blanket 'wisdom' (in addition to lots of conversations about how it's not nice to hit or kick, blah blah...) is "Never throw the first punch". We are doing what we can to teach our son (2 1/2) to realize that we do not mean that as an invitation to fight just because someone else taps you on the shoulder.
this is truly the way the world is now a days sad very sad i am speechless
Bert I agree with you 100%, my daughter is only 3 but we have already taught her something very valuble.. I better never hear of you starting a fight or picking on someone- but if someone starts with you or bullies you; you better lay they a$$ on the ground. If someone hits you punch them.
Your right kids have to learn to stand up for themselves cause rather they beleive it or not it will only get worse and more hard to deal with the older they get in life.
My mom taught me that if I start a fight I'd be in trouble, but if someone hit me and I didn't finish it....I'd be in trouble. I guess that just means don't start fights, but don't get bullied either. It worked for me and I plan on having that same talk with Cain. I don't want him to be a bully, but I don't want him to get bullied either. There is a fine line in teaching a kid to defend himself, but the girl in the video shouldn't have just taken it and not even tried to save herself.
nicole in morocco
Bert, I have a 6 year old boy and I feel the same way. I do not want him to be the bully but I do not want him to just be too passive that he gets picked on. We gave him the simple rules: 1.)First time someone picks on him or hits him, he is to tell the teacher, 2.)If it happen again, he is to knock the kid on his butt, 3.)He is never, ever...to hit a female! 4.) He will get in trouble for fighting but more trouble if he starts it.
Growing up in a pretty tough town on Long Island I learned one important fact, a winner does not start a fight, a winner finishes it. I know that all the bleeding hearts out there do not want to hear that type of stuff but it is a reality. Those kids on the video should be prosecuted as adults and then there parents should be brought up on charges! If they were halfway involved with there kids lives, this would not have happened.
At this age, teach your son how to protect himself, show him that being smarter is the right path, but when push comes to shove, shove hardest!!
Hey Bert.
Growing up, I was taught never to hit back. However, when I was being picked on in school, my parents wondered why I didn't fight back.
Fast forward a few years later ... I learned how to fight from boxing and learning how to fight back, to this day.
I still consider myself a pacifist, but no one ever messes w/ me.
I think the idea of teaching kids that violence is ok or even expected in certain situations is really doing them a dis-service. Violence as a defense or reaction is really base and primitive - it is for those who have absolutely no other recourse. There are lots of things you can do instead that are a lot more civilized and ultimately more empowering (e.g. talking, appealing to authority, even running away). To teach violence as a first defense is archaic and puts the child who SHOULD be innocent at the same level as her attacker.
No one is arguing that if you (or your child) is in a life or death situation, they shouldn't do what it takes to survive, even if that means resorting to violence. But, most bullying isn't life-threatening. I also think it is important to note that reacting violently probably would have only made the situation for this girl worse. In fact, it may have gotten her killed. It definitely would have resorted in her not just being viewed as a victim but a perp as well (in the eyes of the law).
My daughter is 7 and in first grade. I am often left speechless by the aggressiveness and outspokenness of some children. She tends to be shy, so we have had to teach her to say "no" and walk away from these kids. These kids don't respect anything or anyone. Are these kids misinterpreting "stand up for yourself" and becoming bullies? The mother of one of the girls in the video has defended her daughter and said the victim could not have been unconscious because her drywall wasn't damaged! When will all parents take a stand to create good kids and adults?
Well I am a single mother. And unlike your son Bert mine does fight back. He's not even 2 yet and is being threatened to possibly getting kicked out of his daycare. If another child takes his toys he beats them up. He's not a bully but he doesn't like people to mess with him. No I didn't teach him this, but his father did. I think it's more a man thing. Which is a bad thing. I'm just saying I know my son's dad is like that. But I agree with protecting yourself. Growing up my dad was never really around so it was my mom and I. And she always told me if someone was to ever lay a hand on me to ALWAYS fight back. And if I didn't win she was going to beat me. LOL But if I was the one that threw the first punch then she was going to beat me. LOL So....that's the way I will raise my son and I think that's the way it should be. I've only been out of high school for 5 years now. And I know exactly how it is. I got into about 10 fights while I was in school. And in the school I was in there was at least 2 every other day. It's gotten so out of hand and ridiculous!
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