Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Bert Fights Demons During Holidays
I know that Thanksgiving is a time for giving thanks. And I totally recognize that I got so lucky when I married Stacey. With her I inherited THE most awesome in laws. However, I think every holiday I go through a little quasi-depression 'cause I wasn't raised where family was a priority. And that's a major understatement. Even though I really do feel that Stacey's family IS my family I sure wish my parents raised me with the same kind of closeness they have. Frankly I'm a little jealous. I guess I should just get over my family history 'cause I'm a grown damn man now and that's in the past. But, to be totally honest, I carry around a little part of me that's kinda bummed this time of year.
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10 comments:
Ever thought of therapy to deal with these painful family issues?
Hey Bert, I think my husband feels the same way as you do. He is estranged from his family due to drama and chaos, so my family is all that he has. He sometimes gets really depressed around the holidays. Some years he doesn't even want me to decorate. I just wanted you to know that you weren't alone.
Hey Bert - the greatest thing I ever had someone say to me was that sometimes the only way we can heal from our childhood is to be the parents we never had. The other piece of advice I got was to accept the parents I had and stop mourning for the fantasy I never had. You're 40 - and a great dad (I assume). You may not have had a great dad but you can give one to your children. You may not have had a great mom but it sounds like you had sense enough to marry one. Good luck!
Same thing for my husband. My family is all he's got as his family has made it impossible to have a relationship. It's definitely hard for him every holiday season....so don't be so hard on yourself.
I so understand where you are coming from. It doesn't make matters any better that everyone around you is all jolly and stuff, or when they just tell you the past is the past and you have it so great now so get over it. Good luck thru the holidays.
To say you are not alone is an understatement! I am totally in the same boat. My in-laws are fantastic and have been great to my kids. My kids really get to see what being a family is all about. The downside--not my husband, my kids, nor anyone else can see the hurt, and jealousy, that this causes me knowing that my kids wouldn't know my mother if they had run right smack into her. My advice...when you figure out how to not feel so bad, please let me know. The only thing that I do that helps me is to go all out with my kids and give them every opportunity to share time with the family that wants to be so involved in their lives even if it hurts me. Those are the memories that they will remember, not the absence of someone they don't really know or only see a couple times a year.
Hey Love,
I just wanted to say that sometimes the demons of the past can linger to steal your joy of the present and future. What you said is true " Get over it", but not just in the way you said it. You did not have a perfect childhood. You did not have the Brady Bunch family scenario. BIG WHOOP!! The trick is not to let it steal any more of your life. That does not mean you will never have that twinge somewhere in your heart at what you missed, but you are better and stronger than it, so replace it with the sight of your children and Stacey and what you are building with them. So what you did not get it in the begining of your life. It is not always how we start but the way we stop, take stock, change, and FINISH with a bang. LOVE YA!!!!
I understand. It's hard to give up the memories (or non-memories) because so much of our present experience is defined by our past. Even with conscious attention to the joy and good in our present holidays, it's difficult not to remember the sadness or disappointments that surrounded the times past.
I've tried to make something completely new out of my Christmases. Instead of doing everything as I'm supposed to, I've chosen the pieces of the holiday that I love and I've tried to make my own traditions that have happy associations.
It ain't perfect, but it helps
Bert,I remember you from DC. Just roll with it, and make many happy memories for your kids.
--Kevin
I understand completely. And incidentally, Anonymous, years of therapy can help but there's still something bittersweet about the holidays. It's also healing to be giving my daughter the family holiday experience I never really had.
Still... bittersweet.
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