Wow. It's been way too long since I've written here. Way too long. But life gets busy, ya know?
Speaking of busy, did you see this: "Mom's and dads get to be alone as a couple for an average of just FIFTEEN MINUTES a day before going to sleep, a survey revealed yesterday. The precious moments when they can relax, chat or have sex add up to less than ten days a YEAR. Typically they get five minutes together in the morning and ten minutes at night as they go to bed. On average they will get in a babysitter once a month for a night out. Once a year they manage to spend a single night away from home without the kids.
Can this be true? Stacey and I are really, really lucky. Her mother moved down from Maryland five years ago when Hayden was born. Plus, our babysitting depth chart goes about three deep. So we're really lucky to be able to do our date night every Wednesday night. Then we usually get a night out on the weekend if we want, too. I know some couples that will go months without hanging out alone together. Maybe they can't get somebody to watch the kids? With some, even if they have help they just don't feel right leaving the house without the kids. The wife of a former co-worker of mine went their baby's first three years without ever leaving the house without the baby. Is this the rule or the exception?
But still, it's no wonder couples have such a tough time staying connected. Even after we put the kids to bed and we finally do get some time to hang out it's the the last crumbs of the day and we're both exhausted. Too many times we'll sit on the couch mindlessly watching television and not talking.
I'm sure there's a future blog entry about managing time. It feels like no matter how I change my schedule I never have enough time to do the things well. Like I feel so average at every aspect of my life 'cause I feel like I'm just rushing through things to get to the next thing. Most times there's not a lot of enjoyment. It's just a bubbling anxiety that I won't get to everything I have to get to. If any of you have figured out this balance I so want to know how you do it!
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8 comments:
Bert, I totally know how you feel! My husband and I have four boys 8 and under. They are 8, 7, 5, and 3. We don't have any relatives close and it is hard finding a babysitter who is qualified and WILLING to keep 4 little boys. I work full-time at a demanding job and my husband works on the weekends. Our kids aren't in daycare. My husband watches them during the week. It is VERY RARE that we go out alone. We always have our boys with us. When my parents visit every 3 or 4 months, they let us go out to dinner. Until recently, one of us always layed down with our youngest son and usually fell asleep with him. Recently we actually sleep together and watch TV prior to going to sleep and we consider that a luxury. I have just decided that we just need to live in the moment with our kids and each other and if stuff doesn't get done then that is just the way it goes. I would rather spend time with them than hv a perfect yard or perfectly clean house. It will get easier and it makes us stronger as a family I think, at least I hope!
This blog really hits home with me. I just turned 30 and we just had our first son a little over 5 weeks ago and i am already feeling the distance that can occur in a marriage if you don't make an effort to find some quality time for each other. My husband goes to work very early so he is in bed by 9 or 10pm at the lastest so the evenings go really fast. We have had 2 nights out together just us since we brought Cayden home and know the importance of continuing those nights, but I do believe that it has alot to do with time management, something i thought I was good at until we brought home a newborn. So thanks Bert for letting us new parents know that everyone struggles with this.
A loyal listner that now live in Las Vegas but can't let go of the Bert Show!!!!
Wow - I can't believe that survey. My husband does travel ALOT, but when he is home, we always go upstairs around 8:30pm (when our daughter goes to bed) and we chat and catch up, among other things. We get a good hour to 2 hours in, plus we ALWAYS sit down at the table for dinner and talk about the day. We also make sure we have "date" night at least 2 to 3 times a month and we have been married now for 13 years. I think that all couples need that time for communication and also for you know, otherwise you could lose yourselves.
My children are now 22, 20 and 16. Only the 16 year old lives at home now, but all three of them at one time or another have tried to bust down our bedroom door while we are in the "act". It's amazing how even as older children, they still won't give us time to be alone. One time when my second child tried to bust down the door, she asked, "Can I come in?" We were totally not doing anything, but I wanted to prove a point (she was 18 at the time) and I said "No we are having sex." She stormed off! It was hilarious at the time and we immediately went to her bedroom and laughed hysterically, but my goodness! Even when they are older, you have to try to make time for each other. It's important to stay connected. Even if it's just watching your favorite TV show together.
Heidi..
Well the problem is most people don't consider that just being with your family is time with your spouse. But I do understand. You just have to make time with each other and make that your goal for each week. Even if it is only a few hours together. Always remember to keep an open mind about your relationship because you are not going to be able to spend time with your wife as much as you would like. Just enjoy the time you do have together.
My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years and have a 6 year old and a 4 year old. People think I'm crazy when I say the most important relationship I have is to my husband. If my husband and I are on the same page, acting as a team and still enjoying each other, everything else falls into place. Of course, the kids physical needs might come before his, but my kids need to see us connect as a couple. In a few short years they will be out of the house and we will have the rest of our lives together. And for those that say they don't trust anyone, I would say to get all of the kiddos down to bed, have a sitter over while they are asleep and have a late supper. You and your spouse are worth it!!!
Our son is now 20 months and we get a night out about once a month or once every other month, usually when one of his grandparents come to visit. We haven't been very successful in finding in babysitters and when we do have one, he's not used to going to sleep for anyone but us so sometimes we can't leave until after bedtime.
Anyway, for the last three months we have not watched TV after he's gone to bed. It's amazing how much time that gave us to talk and re-connect. We just got our TV hooked up and I can already feel the difference - mindless flipping and no communicating. New house rules: you can't turn on the TV unless there's something specific you want to watch OR if you turn on the TV with no specific destination, you can only go around the channels (or use the Guide button) twice. If you haven't found something in that time, then there's nothing to watch and you turn it off.
Believe me, I'm a huge TV junkie but I'm tempted to pull the plug. As for the rest of it, just repeat the Serenity prayer - accept the things you can't change (like you can't make a 25th hour in the day) and change the things you can (get past the idea of the perfect house and get on with the play time).
Just my two cents.
Bert, I completely relate to this. Our son will be 3 in July and I think we have been on a handful of "dates" in the past few years. There is a definite strain and it seems we have forgotten how to communicate. I only hope that we can somehow find our way back to each other.
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